Designer vaginas

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Perfect pussies or swoon-worthy lady gardens, how many of you have listed an upgrade to your vagina as top of your Christmas list to Santa this year? For someone who likes to keep up with the latest trends, the arrival of vaginal lasering in Jersey had me wondering if maybe it was time to find out just how fashionable my flower is? Are my nether regions in desperate need of a makeover? Does my vagina really need to go designer?!

 As a 37-year-old women, I’m not immune to those tell-tale signs of ageing. I’ve dabbled with botox and micro-needling as two ways to ward off fine lines, but have yet to explore anything below the belt that may offer the elixir of life.Now for the first time, Islanders can get the vagina of their dreams thanks to a new lasering treatment available on Island. The simple, non-invasive treatment helps combat the effects of ageing and alleviates a range of symptoms without the need for surgery.  

Also known as a vaginal facelift, vaginal laser treatment is used to stimulate the walls of your vagina, which start to thin as we age. It may not bring back your virginity, but it can certainly restore some youth to the area, with tightening and rejuvenating results that also boast increased sensitivity. Come again? Exactly. 

Celebrities who’ve had the designer treatment: Gemma Collins, Jada Pinkett Smith and Sharon Osborne

It’s easy to get swept up by the humorous novelty of the topic without appreciating the very real difference lasering can make to many women’s lives. Treatment can combat conditions such as urinary incontinence, itchiness or dryness as well as alter the appearance of the labia and treat discolouration. For those that have recovered from cancer the results can provide a new lease of life, easing extreme discomfort and allowing women to one again experience pain-free intercourse.

The key to a successful lasering programme is expert diagnosis. Patients are assessed on their symptoms to see if the lasering will be appropriate by a gynaecologist. The treatment is them administered through a probe which is inserted into the vagina, deliver targeted pulses of light which creates a warm tapping sensation. 

There is a common misconception that this is a quick-fix for those not prepared to work on muscle strength at the gym. But like everything else with our bodies we are subject to the ageing process and wear and tear which exercise can’t fix. As much as we can look after our skin, people still turn to botox for a bit of extra help and this is much the same - although arguably much more effective. Popular in Europe for some time now, it has become as natural to them as getting your hair or nails done.

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Like most things designer, it doesn’t come with a cheap price tag. But with most patients only requiring one treatment as opposed to a constant ‘topping up’ the cost is somewhat justified. With significant savings on offer for the treatment compared to the UK, it could attract more to travel to the Island for the treatment, coupled with the fact that the procedure is carried out by a qualified doctor. 

Just as Essex has become synonymous with the vajazzle, so the Island has the potential to become home to the Porsche of all pussies. Is the Jersey designer vagina all set to become the boob job of 2019? Not quite. While lasering offers cosmetic benefits the primary focus of the service is to alleviate patients’ symptoms so that they can once again live full lives without pain or discomfort.

With every treatment individual to the patient, it’s important to bear in mind that there is no such thing as the perfect vagina. As more anti-ageing solutions come onto the market and become more acceptable in society, it’s important to strike a balance between making the most of what we have and embracing the wonder that is ageing gracefully. Beauty used to be in the eye of the beholder, but now it appears we must also accept it’s in the eye of those bent over.