So I’m completely done in. Emotionally raw, exhausted and burnt out. After a continuous stream of over twelve months training for a boxing bout that never materialised I feel lost and ready to give up on the sport altogether. With so much of my life involving sports and a need to always be driven by the next goal, its hard to contemplate life without that competitive edge. But I cant even remember the last time I just sat down and did nothing, just took in life around me. With a family, a new career and blogging in what spare time I have, is it time to give up on being the best at everything? Can my next challenge really be to live without a challenge?
There’s a lot I love about boxing, the fitness it brings is unparalleled, the sense of family and support from the club, and of course working towards a common goal with my fellow boxers. But on the flip side women in boxing is always something that will divide opinion. My family fiercely object to my participation in something so violent and most boxers will admit its a hugely selfish sport requiring a lot of commitment that can become all-consuming. So many have commented on my fourth bout being called off as a sign that it’s now time to explore other avenues.
Having played netball at a very competitive level since I can barely remember, I switched in my twenties to take up volleyball for Jersey and at the same time started running races, trying out obstacles and endurance races. At any given time I’m always working towards the next sporting goal, whether that be the Island Games, running a marathon, training for a White Collar boxing bout. Sport has always played a defining role in my life and my personality is to thrive on the competition, it would be hard to train ‘just for fun’! How do I go about changing the habit of a lifetime?
There is a buzz from trying to juggle so many plates, but the reality is hard to accept when they all come crashing down at once. Disappointment is such a hard emotion to process, especially when you start to feel disappointment where others would see success. I now recognise that this constant drive to produce winning results is all part of a need to feel better about myself, at least for short bursts of time, and that really I should be focusing on getting comfortable with where I am and what I’ve got.
I’m not sure where I go from here, maybe take up pub darts or ultimate frisbee?! Or do I take the plunge and try life without a sporting goal? There seems to be a whole world of goals out there waiting for me to grab them, but is it time to sit still in case life passes by? I worry that this will mean losing part of myself, lose something that brings me happiness and that I will disconnect from my sporting friends who always push me to be better, stronger, faster. But maybe you never know till you try....