New Year, Old Me

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With only one day to go until we start to make promises to ourselves of better things to come, I’m feeling very cynical about New Year’s resolutions and the concept of a do-over. If clean slates were handed out I fully deserve to be at the top of the list, screw Santa and his ‘nice’ list - I’m owed 2019 and in a big way! But instead of setting goals to be fitter or thinner, to complete new challenges or achieve new career highs I’m giving myself a break. Avoid the effort of creating a new me, I’m looking to get comfortable with the old me instead. 

We haven’t got on too well in the last year, which was understandable amongst considerable turmoil. At my best I’ve been slightly lost as to who am I and how I now move forward as an individual, one half of a broken family. At my worst I was devoid of all self-worth, explaining to people that it was ok not to warm to me at first meeting - because no one ever does. And I wont be alone in feeling this way at this time of year.  

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Ironically as a writer, I am an extremely bad communicator. It became easier to make a joke out of being regarded as cold and distant than to understand that hiding my emotions and myself was a defence mechanism to protect from getting hurt. After considerable therapy I have learnt that silence is never the solution and that apologising for being who I am is totally unacceptable. So this year its time to start to embrace the old me again, to rediscover exactly who I am. To become older, wiser, more mentally strong and to allow others to share that journey with me. 

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If this year has taught me anything it’s that there are no quick fixes to magically transforming your life. With so much baggage its not about starting over from scratch, but to take stock of your life, reflecting on those moments that have shaped you, the highs and the lows. Yes, there will be change this year with a new home, a new routine and the prospect of new people moving in and out of my life. But it’s important to remain true to myself throughout this, and to believe that I deserve new and exciting opportunities. After experiencing the joy of believing in Christmas magic and the myth of Santa from my son, it seems like I should be able to have a little faith in myself at this time of year. 

Things aren’t perfect or even easy, but they are easier than this time last year. So without pressure I’m gently willing myself to be more open in 2019, more communicative and to continue to work on this all-important relationship with myself. After all, time doesn’t change people, we do.